Neill Cumpston Has Seen 300!!!!!!!!!!!
Category: 300 Reviews | Posted by: stagewomanjen
Article Date: February 9, 2007 | Publication: Ain't It Cool News | Author: Moriarty
Thanks to Daisymay for the heads up!
*****Graphic language warning!
Hey, everyone. ĒMoriartyĒ here.
Yes, it really does merit that many exclamation points.
Theyíre free. Blow me.
Besides... could there ever be any better marriage of film and reviewer? I needed to read this, even if I didnít know I needed to read it.
Neill Cumpstonís been busy lately, and if his e-mails to me are to be believed, heís finally reaching the end of his six-year A.A. degree at a community college near his motherís house. But somehow, he talked his way into an early screening of 300 tonight, and the result is the following review.
He coins a word late in this review that I fully expect to be using for the rest of my life, and I salute his linguistic virtuosity once again.
Nice to have you back, man.
"I just saw a movie thatíll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. Itís called 300. I donít know what the title has to do with the movie, but they couldíve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and itíd still rule.
Itís about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.
The movie takes place about a million years ago, and itís sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, ďI need some extra sauce packetsĒ guess what? Youíre getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.
I canít spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISNíT ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass thatís hitting someoneís balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.
TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDNíT LIKE:
COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES
Who gives a shit if the music isnít historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS couldíve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzelís Pretzel is telling you that youíll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.
COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS
Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. Thereís wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like heís got Rosie OíDonnell on his back.
Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.
NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY (ďDUDE-ITYĒ)
These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think theyíre serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.
Any directors reading this Ė ITíS OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.
Canít someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?
My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie Iíve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf."