The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Category: Transcripts | Posted by: admin
Article Date: March 23, 2005 | Publication: CBS | Author: Craig Ferguson/Gerard Butler
[back from commercial]
CF: Welcome back, my lovelies, welcome back.
Not too long ago, my next guest was working as a lawyer in Scotland. He gave that up to become
an actor and has since starred in films like "Reign of Fire," "Lara Croft Tomb Raider" what'd she
take out of those tombs; she was raiding them. And he was also in "Phantom of the Opera"
Woooooooo!- [covers half of face with hand.] He plays a stranger pretending to be a little boy's
father in the a new movie, "Dear Frankie." Take a look at this
[Plays clip from "Dear Frankie"]
Gerry Butler, everybody.
[Gerry walks out, gives a little wave. CF gets up from desk and walks towards him. They both
raise one arm up in the air, and one leg, and do a little Highland dance. Quick hug, and move
towards their chairs. Gerry gives a wave, two thumbs up to the audience, another wave.]
Gerry: I just kissed Andie MacDowell's ass. Oh yeah! [Rubs rear in seat, and rolls eyes back.]
CF: Yeah, she's not an unattractive woman. She's not an unattractive woman.
Gerry: She's all right, she's all right. I actually worked with her before.
Gerry: And she completely forgot. I went "hey" and she said "hi, nice to meet you. And, I said,
"hi, it's Gerry" and she was like "oh my God! How are you?" [in high pitched voice] Yeah, yeah.
CF: You sounded just like her. "oh my God!" I wanted to do your nails when you did that. How are
you? Let me be the first to say "Welcome to America, Mr. Bond." What do you think?
[Audience applause] You goin' do it? I think you should do it. I think you should do it.
Gerry: [rubs mouth, makes a ehwhw sound] It's not been offered to me. It's not, it's not as simple
CF: Well, who are they going to offer it to?
Gerry: But you're right. I could kick your ass.
CF: You could kick my ass. That's what I'm saying, that's what I'm saying. You could. I'll freely
admit it: I'm over the hill. I'm past it, I'm past my best. But you, you're young. You could go out there.
You could kick my ass.
Gerry: I saw your Sean Connery impersonation earlier on. It's far better than mine anyway. We
should try one together.
CF: But you wouldn't be doing Sean Connery, you'd be doing James Bond. You, that would be you doing it.
Gerry: Nah, I'd probably just still be trying to do Sean Connery.
[Both purse their lips and start mumbling like Connery.] I'd start speaking like that.
CF: I can talk like that all the time.
Gerry: All the time. Yes, yes.
CF: It's good though. It makes me feel more Scottish.
Gerry: It's got so bad now, I can't understand what Sean Connery is saying. [mumble]
CF: Nah, it's like he's underwater. So, listen uh. [applause] You, you're not from America then, are you?
Gerry: No. I like, I like your bit earlier on as well when you were like basically saying, "remember I'm supposed to be
Scottish on the show. Craig and I are both from Long Beach...this whole thing.
CF: shut up, shut up, shut up.
Gerry: I hate, I hate to give the game away, but we're both from Long Beach, born and bred.
CF: We, we were, we were homies in fact
Gerry: .We were homies in fact. Yo! [poses with two fingers pointing at chest like a rapper]
CF: Hey uh, so you're from Scotland, you say. How'd you get along with the, with the newspaper fellows
over there? Do you have a good time with those guys?
Gerry: You know, allegedly, allegedly, the Scottish press have a bad name. I HATE THE SCOTTISH PRESS.
CF: I'd have to say, I'd never had much fun with them myself.
Gerry: But you know what? They, they actually think they are being nice to me. but they -- but it's very
humiliating. And the most, the perfect... Can I give you an example?
CF: Please do.
Gerry: Thank you.
CF: Otherwise this whole show would be a charade.
Gerry: [same time] this whole show is a waste of time!
Gerry: And this is one we rehearsed early. No, but.... I did an interview once and it was the 1000th
time I think I'd been asked if I was going to be Bond. And I said, "Yeah, I'm in talks with Barbara [Brokley?]
and if Anne [Whitumker?], Anne [Whitumker?].... is a, like a 80 year old, fat, balding, politician, female, I said
if she can be my Bond girl, I'll do it.  And then I said, no, the rumors are very flattering, but they're not true. And the
next day it was in the Scottish press, it was "Gerard Butler is the next James Bond. He admitted it
himself in a television interview yesterday. They don't realize...Then all these magazines picked it
up, and started saying that I was walking about saying that I was the next James Bond. I wasn't, really.
I'm not. [wink]
CF: But I'm goin' to walk around saying it. [audience laughs and cheers]
Gerry: And then, no, [something] no, no, no, and then, and then my mother called me up, and she says "well, you're not doing, you're not doing yourself any favors." I said, "what are you talking about?" She said, "well, you're toting [?]
yourself about as the next James Bond. and I said, "what?" and she said, "you were in the paper wearing a tuxedo,
with a gun in your hand like this. [poses with hands in gun position, cocked next to chest] "I never
took a pi..." They put my head--.
CF: [same time] They put your head on a... [hits fist on thigh]
Gerry: They put my head on somebody else's.. doing this. [poses again, little face, shake of head]
CF: I hate when they do that.
Gerry: It was the 3...the 4 contenders, me, Catherine Zeta-Jones, a monkey, and a fish. It's like, everybody is going to be...
CF: You know, they used to do that with my head, on drunk guys falling out of bars.
Gerry: [laughs, points at Craig] That was your head.
CF: That was me, yeah, that was me.
Gerry: [laughs] and that was me next to you.
CF: Yes, do you like, do you live over there, do you live over here now?
Gerry: My base is probably in London, but I just, I just...I'm gonna go the same way as Andie
MacDowell, I think. I just...not that I am a movie star, but I just bought a place in New York--
CF: Ohh, You're on your way, son, you're on your way.
Gerry: With your help, Craig. With your help.
Gerry: I have, I bought a place in New York eight months ago..that has a bed.
Gerry: And I've never, I haven't spent one night there. And it's a co-op, and the head of the co-op, I think,
hates me right now, he's like "why did he buy this place?" Cuz I haven't been there. I've been
spending more time here recently. But I'm in a hotel. If anybody's got any space at their house.
[audience immediately cheers, yelps]
Gerry: [laughs, pointing at audience] Whoa. You almost...you almost hit the roof. Watch your head! Poof!
[makes gesture with hand, like hitting his head]
CF: You know, you might want to be careful with that kind of talk in America, son. It's not Scotland, it's
not [old lady's voice] "oh, come on now and have a cup of tea." No, they'll be, they'll be after something else as well.
Gerry: [laughs and covers face, eyes] And I'll be giving it! No, no. [bends down laughing. sticks out tongue]
CF: There ya go! [Both laugh as audience cheers] Heyyy! [Craig says something else, "and you'd like to"?] Enjoy yourself!
CF: And enjoy yourself. Do you think you'll move to America? Do you think you would ever move here?
Cuz actually, quite frankly, I wish you would.
CF: Cuz then--
Gerry: We should--
CF: Then, we should--
Gerry: We should be best friends.
CF: We should, I think so, yeah.
Gerry: You know, I have to tell you. Never, there's certain people who you...you run into other
people who say, "do you know so and so?" I have never had it more, than with you.
CF: I get it with you all the time as well.
Gerry: "Hey, do you know Craig Ferguson? Don't you start. You know, I'm sick of hearing.."
CF: They say that to me all the time "oh, you and Gerry were probably there." No.... [shakes head]
Gerry: And they always say "you guys would get on great."
CF: But we don't!
Gerry: No, we don't. We hate each other.
CF: That's the thing. [Gerry laughs and claps hands together] I think....I think that, when, when you do the
Bond, when, when you become Bond, let's just say you become Bond.
Gerry: [mumbles as Connery again] Yeah, let's just say...
CF: I'll be the villain. I'll be the, I'll be the anti-Bond. I'll be like, I'll be like, evil evil Bond
Gerry: Maybe we should start our own Bond.
CF: Yeah! We'll do our own Bond. Yeah.
Gerry: Yeah, Brooke Bond.
CF: Brooke Bond. Yeah.
Gerry: Okay. [laughs, clears throat]
CF: I'll be evil, and I'll have a false hand, and stroke a cat. [makes claw, makes stroking gesture with right hand]
Gerry: Yeah [starts laughing silently]
CF: [points a finger at Gerry] Don't say it, don't say it. [Gerry leans away, still laughing quite a bit]
Gerry: But it's like...What's the, the, the Peter Sellers movie, where he has the hand that goes out
of control, strokes a cat [makes stroking gesture, then grabs at own throat]
CF: Yeah, yeah. "Dr. Strangelove" yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do that. You get my vote as James
Bond. I want you to come back on the show anytime you want, even if no one else can
understand us, we can talk.
CF: Gerry Butler, everybody. "Dear Frankie" in theaters now. We'll be right back with Kathleen Edwards.
[Gerry waves goodbye. Camera moves away. Gerry and CF start talking to each other.]
[[If anyone can read lips, please post. Gerry is making the best lips as the camera fades out]]