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Category: 300 Reviews
Article Date: February 11, 2007 | Publication: Latino Review | Author: George 'El Guapo' Roush

Posted by: admin

****DISCLAIMER**** These reviews are for entertainment purposes only. Wrap yourselves in warm winter clothing, because Iím about to heat up your loins with this sizzling piece of reviewing hotness. Or realize itís me writing the review and move on to someone more credible.

Itís tough being a movie critic. Itís even harder being a movie critic who writes things that offend pretty much everyone. Here are some unknown film critic perks and pitfalls:

* Free screenings are the biggest perks of the biz. You donít have to pay for the movie, and usually the studio will give you free popcorn and drink vouchers. You can even bring a friend. But you have a 50% chance of that friend hating the movie and vowing to never hang out with you again. Since I usually get stuck with seeing the bad films for Latinoreview, I have ended up friendless. Thanks a lot, you jerky ass faces.

* Most film reviewers weigh in at about 400 pounds and havenít showered for days. Usually you will end up having to sit next to one who will insist on talking to you about whatever is in his PC gaming filled brain. After a few minutes, his delicious aroma of armpit sweat and Doritos breath will slowly put you in a coma for the next 45 days. Not even Perseus had to battle such a beast.

* Press employees for the studios are usually young beautiful women. If you want them to like you, you have to lie to them and tell them that the movie was great and you will recommend it to everyone. This is in the hopes that they will leap across the table and want to have sex with you right then and there. Hereís some advice for those hoping to score with the studio ladies: Look them in the eye and say ďYa, whatever bitch.Ē Bad boy image cemented + Awestruck female studio employee = Lots of nights of meaningless sex.

* Reader feedback is an important tool for a reviewer. He/she must know what a reader thought of their review. Iím sure most reviewers get fantastic feedback. I wish I did, because Iím tired of deleting ďYou have your head up your assĒ, ďYouíre a racist pig.Ē And ďIím going to punch you in the face the next time I see you.Ē e-mails.

Battle weary and tearfully ginger is the following review of 300 starring Gerard Butler as King Leonidas, a stern man who leads his army of 300 Spartans against the advancing army of Persians led by King Xerxes. The Battle of Thermopylae is one of the greatest last stand battles ever told in ancient Greek history and on 300 is based off of the Frank Miller graphic novel and is being brought to life by Zack Snyder who previously directed the excellent remake of Dawn of the Dead.

What makes 300 the movie stand out is its visual appeal. This film is unlike any other battle movie you have seen because it was filmed entirely in front of a blue screen (Or green, depending on the directorís mood) and everything else sans the actors was later added in digitally. The backgrounds are gorgeous and the scenes showing the Persian ships sinking is just awesome to watch. The actors even fought with shorter swords so the impaling could be added in later. The blood was also added in later as was Gerard Butlerís beard so he could look like the guitarist from Soundgarden. Ok, so maybe he grew the beard. The reason for all of this work was to give 300 the look and feel of the graphic novel. Itís a bold way to tell the story and is also a giant middle finger to other directors (*cough*cough* Mark Steven Johnson) who think they have the talent to bring a comic book to the big screen.

Gerard Butler was excellent in his over the top role as King Leonidas. He growls, yells, screams and says such cheesy manly man lines like: ďGive them nothing! But take from them everything!Ē The over the top dialogue and acting compliments the movie, since most of the film is watching dudes getting their heads chopped off. Some may want to compare some of the gung ho attitude in 300 to Braveheart, but since Braveheart had so many memorable scenes itís a forgivable comparison. The battle scenes in 300 have a few one take shots that look like they took weeks to choreograph and it really pays off in the end. There is even a big boss fight with a giant monster looking guy which fits since this movie feels like a video game on steroids. That battle was just one of many that had you rooting for the Spartans and cursing the opposing army. (ďDamn! That motherfucker got fucked up!Ē is the headline on the 300 posters stapled around the Harlem area.)

Thereís a side plot with Queen Gorgo who must convince the council to send reinforcements to back up their King and her husband. Of course, there is corruption amongst the council and we get a peek as to why the Greeks thought women should just keep their fucking mouth shut and let the men figure out the battle plans. But in 300, Queen Gorgo is just as tough as her husband and you end up rooting for her own political battle within the walls of her city. These scenes are not as exciting to watch, but there needed to be some sort of break for the audience or theyíd be worn out from seeing how many different ways a Spartan can kill a guy with a spear. I never got sick of it because I could watch dudes die all day long. To give the filmmakers even more credit, they had the brains to not cast Orlando Bloom in another ancient times role. They must have realized that:

1) Heís too much of a girly man to ever play a soldier unless the soldier is a pansy looking prickface.

2) They didnít want to spend countless hours having to digitally edit out the midget assistant that helps Orlando pick up his 10 lb. sword.

3) No reason to just fag up your movie if you donít have to.

300 makes no excuses as to what type of movie it is. Itís a take no names and just kick your ass battle movie that will please anyone. Even the gays will love this film since there are more six packs being shown then at your local liquor store. Do not eat junk food as you watch this because youíll start to feel like a fat pig. Donít bring your girlfriend because sheíll wonder why youíre not all ripped up like these guys. In fact, you probably shouldnít go see this movie at all. Youíll just feel physically pathetic after watching it. Ok, forget all that. Go see it at least ten times, bring all of your friends and when you get home do some sit ups so you donít feel that bad afterwards. Hey, Iím just trying to help you fat fucks out is all. Donít get all ĎUp in my bidnessí because youíre addicted to cupcakes.

If you werenít sure what type of movie 300 was going to be, hopefully this early review of the film makes you want to check it out. Lots of blood, lots of action, and you actually feel for these characters. Zack Snyder hit a homerun with this adaptation and proved that with a little vision, careful planning and smart directing, you can make a comic book successfully come to life on the big screen. Mr. Johnson, are you listening?


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