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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Transcript

Category: Transcripts
Article Date: April 14, 2005 | Publication: NBC - The Tonight Show | Author: Jay Leno

Posted by: admin

(Gerry comes in, crowd goes crazy screaming, he hugs both Jay and Tom Arnold, who pats his butt; Gerry sits down)

Gerry: Okay, Tom Arnold – Tom Arnold just patted my ass!

Jay: I saw, I wasn't - I wasn't even gonna say anything, I said well I know you're from Great Britain, maybe it's a bit more common over there, I wasn't gonna say anything, but why wa- but you picked up on it.

Gerry: I thought – I felt it! But I was always warned: never tell jokes to a comedian –

Jay: Alright –

Gerry: But em – I just heard(?) you were talking about Michael Jackson , I have to – in ten seconds I'm gonna give you my two – (to someone in audience) hey, hello you how are you? – I'll tell you my – my two Michael Jackson jokes: Why – why does Michael Jackson like 29-year-olds? Because there's 20 of them!

Jay: Hey!

Gerry: And then - why are Michael Jackson's pants too tight? Because they're not his!
(All three and audience laugh)

Jay: Hey!

Gerry: Okay, that's my career as a comedian!

Jay: Oh that sounds very good, you should do stand-up! Now you were just in a fashion show, I saw (crowd screams like crazy, Gerry looks surprised at the reaction) - you know about it? I thought I had a surprise, you've all seen this tape? Now take a look, you've got your leather kilt on -

(They show the clip from D2K, more screaming which keeps Jay from saying what he wants to say – the clip ends with Gerry kneeling down to push the sword into the ground)

Gerry: This is very funny – and it got stuck, I was thinking I was such a big strong man and I stamped this – this sword in the ground and I stood up again and I couldn't get it out of the ground, you know- (laughter from audience, Gerry makes pulling movements with his hands) it was like, damn, you know. But also, this was the sword, they said to me,the organizers – this is a charity event, it's actually a wonderful event, em, to – to kind of encourage talent, em, from Scotland to – to make their way, but the organizers said to me: We have the sword of William Wallace, it's never left Scotland before, so I – somebody else took it on, but I said: Please give me, you know, let me take this sword, and I look at the blade and it says 'Made in India'!(laughter) So I'm, I'm – (Author's Note: I don't understand him here) – that this is the sword of William Wallace! And then – and then I take it backstage, and I, you know, I've used a sword in a few movies and - but this thing's 25 feet long, so I'm swinging it outside(?) and I keep hitting the floor and hitting the roof. And I'm about to go on and this woman walks up and she ju – I just feel this hand on my sword and she said: 'I'm sorry sir –

Jay: What was that again?

Tom: Yeah!!!

(by this point the crowd goes crazy laughing, cheering, screaming)

Gerry: And - and her other hand on the large sword – (more screaming) you still don't know which one I'm talking about, and em – (even more screaming) and she said : 'I'm sorry sir, but you've been drinking alcoholic beverages and you might hurt somebody with this, I have to take it off of you.' And I - and I said: 'Listen darlin', I haven't had a drink for eight years, I've been trained to use a sword in four movies, piss off!'(crowd cheers)

Jay: Wow! Well there you go! Now do you ever wear kilts at home when you go back to Scotland, is it – (some cheers in the crowd)

Gerry: Hahahahaha *biggerrylaugh* (knowingly), em -

Jay: Do you know what your tartan is, by the way?

Gerry: Well, my name is Butler which is actually an Irish name.

Jay: Yeah, okay…See I'm a Muir, my mother's a Muir.

Gerry: Do they have a tartan?

Jay: Yeah they got the Muir tartan –

Gerry: (imitating Jay) they got the Muir tartan…

Jay: Yes , do we have a tartan, you ask me do, laddie –

Gerry: Oh, oh and that's another thing, the organizers said that they've invited you to , you know, the – who wants to see Jay Leno in a kilt?(crowd cheers) You know-

Jay: I've worn a kilt!

Gerry: His mother –

Jay: I've worn a kilt! oh yeah!

Gerry: Well you've gotta come and wear it at the event –

Jay: Oh I'll come sometime – is that the Highland Game thing?

Gerry: No, it's called 'Dressed To Kilt', that's the thing you just, you just –

Jay: 'Dressed To Kilt'.

Gerry: 'Dressed to Kilt'. (cheers from the crowd) Yeah, and em, but yeah no, I've
worn a kilt, I wore a kilt for my brother's wedding and for my sister's wedding and they were both disasters, em, my – my –my - my sister's wedding, I had to do a reading, you know, it was a Catholic ceremony, it was a BIG Catholic ceremony, there were 400 people in the church, and I walk up and I do a reading, and then I sit down to face the congregation (crowd starts to laugh, cheer) – I know, you know what's coming – my mother! My mother is in the front rowand she's looking at me and I'm looking at her and she's going (puts his palms together and has a funny look on his face) and I think, and I think okay, I think, she's telling me to pray! So there's only – and I go – and I'm
like this (puts palms together with a confused look) – like that- and as I was sitting there she's like 'no no no!' and then I sit and look there (looks down) and I go(crosses his legs looking up innocently; laughter and applause). And then – and and then at my - my – my brother's wedding I was the best man and I had to make a speech and I wa so nervous, and I go into the cubicle in the toilet, and I have my speech, and I'm sitting there in the cubicle and - and I'm – I'm doing the you know, I'm reading the speech, and I'm going - 'cause I'm trying to be a comedian in this – in this speech, and then I stand up (stands up) and I feel dripping at the back of my legs (crowd goes 'ooooh') and I'm like 'Oh no!' and –and then I go to the dryer (pretends to be holding the back of his kilt up to a dryer) and – and I'm on in five minutes and my ass is showing to the world (crowd screams) and I'm using this dryer – and all these people are coming in going , you know, 'you're on!' and I'm 'I'll just be there in a second, I just like – I'm just drying'. (sits down again). So that's – that's – ah, it's not really the Braveheart that you would imagine.

Jay: No! Now tell us about 'The Game of Their Lives', this is a soccer movie, isn't it?

Gerry: It's a soccer movie, yes.

Jay: A little different though, a little different.Tell me what it's about.

Gerry: Well, I would do anything to beat the English even if that means pretending to be an Italian-American. I'll also do anything to be Jay Leno, 'Dear Frankie' is a movie set in Greenock where Jay's mother comes from –

Jay: That's right!

Gerry: - and now I'm playing an Italian- American, in fact, I am Jay Leno! (crowd cheers)

Jay: In this movie! But you know – but this is a true story, and I had nevere heard this story, now tell people –

Gerry: It's a shame because everybody knows about that very famous ice hockey game between the – the US and the Russians but an actual fact, this is, this is in some ways even more amazing 'cause this was a team of amateurs, em , you know, a lot of immigrants, a lot of Italians and even Scots that – and five of them were great friends from an area called The Hill in St. Louis (someone in the crowd cheers) which is only fifteen – (with American accent) Yo The Hill! Go St. Louis!- em, great people there, wonderful people –

Jay: And when was this, 1950?

Gerry: 1950-

Jay: Okay.

Gerry: - and they had eleven days to prepare for the World Cup, and these guys were like, undertakers and postmen, they had eleven days to prepare, and they had no support, no finance, nobody knew about it, and they went down to play England, who were the best team in the world and favorites to win the World Cup, and they beat England 1:0,and nobody ever heard about it, 'cause I think the very next day the Korean War started and it wasn't really reported, and they all went back to their lives. Until we made this movie nobody s- nobody knew the story, so it's actually an incredible story, and a lot of these guys are still alive and came to the set where we filmed -

Jay: Oh, that's wonderful! (applause)

Gerry: - and em, it's beautiful, so – I have –

Jay: Did you play, were you a soccer player as a lad?

Gerry: Em – ah – em – em – yeah, I played soccer until I was 22, 23, in fact I just started again, I – as we know, the smoking thing and eh – I played about two weeks ago with Hollywood United, and em, you should – there's two cen- I was playing center forward and there was two guys marking me and all they could hear was ( he makes a kind of wheezing sound, pretending he can't breathe; laughter).

Jay: But see, you gotta quit, I'm – I've been trying to get you to quit this stupid thing!

Gerry: I know…

Jay: Well here, let's take a look, this is a scene, this is – oh this is in the locker room right before the game?

Gerry: Yeah, this is just before the game. This is directed by David Anspaugh, by the way, he said – okay David, I mentioned your name, I hope I-

Tom: He did 'Hoosiers'! 'Hoosiers', 'Hoosiers'!

Gerry: 'Hoosiers'! And 'Rudy' , too, the best sports movies.

Jay: Let's take a look!

(They show the locker room scene from GOTL; crowd cheers like crazy afterwards)

Jay: Lots of talk (?) in 'The Game of Their Lives', it opens on the 22nd, Gerard, it was a pleasure, man, be right back with 'The Killers' after this.

(Gerry talks with Tom Arnold some more)


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